Planned Sex

Planned sex is something for a long time that people didn't talk about. Much sex advice was based on maintaining fun and spontaneity in the sex life!

But planned sex can be just as fun and is certainly a good thing to practise in maintaining a happy sex life.

So here's my take on planned sex...

Firstly I think spontaneous sex is great but in today's world where we all work so hard in our jobs, have committments, children, social lives and many, many other aspects of day to day life to spend our energy on it's so easy for sex to take a back seat.

Picture it - you get up at 7am, make coffee, get a shower, get ready for work, get the kids up, ready and out of the house, and rush your breakfast as you leave the house. You drive an hour to work (or spend an hour travelling by bus or bicycle) and then think constantly about your job until lunchtime. Lunch is consumed at the desk, you leave at 5.30pm and get home at half 6. The kids need to eat, play, bath and be read to before you can even think about having some time to yourself so at 9pm when you finally get chance to sit and relax with a glass of wine, you're shattered and the last thing on your mind is sex - you want to watch tele then go to bed early so you can start it all again tomorrow. 

But sex is crucial to a happy and healthy relationship and a happy and healthy you! With the above scenario the only time you spend with your partner is sat on the sofa watching television or sleeping side by side. Weekends are all about catching up on chores and keeping the kids entertained and you're not getting the chance to catch up on sleep! You're moving further and further away from your partner and sex is sitting firmly on the back burner. Intimacy has gone and you don't want to initiate sex in case your partner is tired or worse he/she wants a super long session that you don't have the energy for!

So that's the problem - a typical one I'm sure you'll agree and my suggestion is that planned sex can be the solution.

Planning to have sex on a set day, at a set time each week - planning what sort of session you'd like, which toys (if any) you'd like to bring in to the session and which activities you're in the mood for (sticking to just oral or adding in penetration too?). It's a great way to:

1) Get that intimate connection back with your partner

2) Encourage yourself to get back into and enjoy sex again (it's so easy to get in a rut of not having it or wanting it, sometimes you need to break the cycle!)

3) Experiment with different things you love

A great website for making planned sex interesting is Playful Ideas a website that randomly generates a suggestion for you and your partner to try during sex. It gives a suggestion of when the sex should take place, who should arrange it and what it should involve so you can use your creativity but still get some ideas on what to plan!

Make sex fun again, by planning it - I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised...

Alicia <3

Vestibulodynia

In 2007 I was diagnosed with vestibulodynia. I had had pain during penetration since I first started having sex at the age of 16 and a year later even inserting and removing tampons was painful and sex had become temporarily impossible so I saw a gynaecologist who, after ruling out thrush and sexually transmitted infections and had biopsied the skin to check for another suspected condition, diagnosed me with vestibulodynia.

Vestibulodynia is a condition causing pain during the touching and pressure of skin where the vulva (the external part of the female genitalia) meets the vagina (the internal cavity). It's an area of high sensitivity anyway, so the increased sensitivity of vestibulodynia can cause a lot of pain. Sufferers can have pain just from light touch of the area and walking and sitting can become uncomfortable. 

The condition is usually caused by a nerve problem - nerves may be overly sensitive or register pressure as pain by mistake. For myself, vestibulodynia is likely caused by the chronic joint pain condition I suffer as a result of faulty connective tissue which makes the skin sensitive as well as damaging the nerves.

Treatment for vestibulodynia varies from patient to patient and from doctor to doctor so I thought I'd summarise what works for me both physically and mentally - because losing the ability to have sex can be quite traumatic!

• Pelvic floor muscle or kegal muscle exercises - if the pain is persistant these exercises goes some way to preventing the natural response of the muscles to the pain - tensing. This tensing increases the pain experienced during penetration and can be avoided using a simple routine of exercising the muscles twice daily.These exercises teach the muscles how to relax again. To do this, clench your pelvic floor muscles (those you use to stop pee mid flow) really tightly and hold for ten seconds, then release and relax for ten seconds. Repeat this ten times twice a day preferably in a calm and relaxed situation and laying down. 

• Vaginal dilators - these can be used to get the vaginal entrance used to being stretched and touched. In England you can get dilators given to you by your gynaecologist. These are a set of three or four hard plastic tubes in varying sizes from teeny to quite large. These should be used daily with a little lubricant (such as this slick and good value lube from Durex which you can get in many shops that sell condoms etc. or online).

• Soap - skin sensitivity can only exacerbate the problems caused by vestibulodynia so using only warm water to clean your bits is advisable however if you really must use soap - go for the Simple brand which you can get almost anywhere (I recommend Home Bargains for cheapness!) and is very gentle on the skin. If you bathe rather than showering avoid using detergents on your bath (or rinse really, really well) and avoid bubble bath. Using Simple baby wipes to freshen up rather than washing excessively is a good idea as excessive washing can be very drying.

• Long foreplay and regular "stretching" using small toys and fingers before sex - this one's pretty self explanatory. Take your time. Build up to the "main event" slowly and increase your tolerance. Testing the water with a small sex toy can give the added benefit of seeing how the pain is on that particular occasion rather than only discovering it's a "bad day" half way through him entering you.

• Condoms - if your partner is on the large size and you're using another form of contraception, using a condom that's slightly too small can make him more streamlined - but you must only do this if you're using another form of contraception and are safe from STIs as the risk of the condom breaking is increased if the size is wrong.

• Foreplay as the main event - whilst we're talking main events, penetrative sex isn't the be all and end all! You will do yourself a huge favour if you get your head round the idea that sex isn't just about penetration - it's also about oral and intimacy, touching and enjoying each others body's! If you can't get his penis inside your vagina it's not the end of the world as long as you're both having a bloody good time! Just enjoy yourself and don't stress yourself with unnecessary pressure. And talk to your partner - chances are your partner is more than happy with a good oral session!

• Relax, relax, relax - easier said than done, but absolutely crucial to a happy sex life.

•  Don't always orgasm - take the pressure off! You don't have to orgasm if you don't want to. If it's painful it'll be the last thing on your mind so focus on getting some enjoyment from every session and the orgasm being a bonus!

• Slow sex - it's so important to take your time during the initial penetration, ease the penis inside slowly and pause anytime you need to. Once he's inside, make him stay still and do a few kegal exercises around him to remind your muscles to relax then proceed slowly - chances are, if you get this right, the pain will improve and you can speed up again soon after.

Other treatments available include local anaesthetic creams to be applied prior to sex and the referral to a sexual therapists in cases where the condition persists for a long time and is impacting on the sexual relationship. Tricyclic antidepressants can also be prescribed which work as pain modifiers in low doses.

It is important that if you are in a relationship or having sex during a period of vestibulogynia that your sexual partner is aware and understanding of the condition and that you work together to take sex at the right pace for you to allow enjoyment. Whilst it may be tempting to stop sex all together, whilst penetration is possible with modifications it is sensible to try and continue and try not to feel to scared (which can make the problems worse) however it is also important to recognise when a sex break is required and take good care of your sexual health by listening to your body.

For many sufferers of this painful condition, the symptoms improve with time and normal sex can resume but some patients suffer for a long time and must work with their partner and doctor to find a regime that suits them best making sex possible and enjoyable again.

 

If you think you may have vestibulodynia, see your doctor about a referral to a gynaecologist! Having seen countless gynaecologists over the past few years I can assure you it's rarely as bad as you think it will be, they've seen it all before and know how to keep you calm. There are many causes of pain during sex and many are very treatable. The cause needs to be identified to rule out risky STIs or other nasties which can cause major complications if left unchecked so get to your GP with any pain during sex!

Happy sexing!

Alicia <3

P.s. I've written this with a heterosexual relationship in mind but all the rules apply to other relationships too (well gay male relationships won't have vestibulodynia problems ;) but you know what I mean). Just substitute penis for dildo or strap-on and you're away.

P.p.s I'm seeing a gynaecologist soon to work out why my pain has increased lately (possibly medication relation) so if I have anymore tips from the appointment I will update this post!

Review: Zini Deux

The ever fabulous LoveHoney sent W and I a Zini Deux to test out and I must say, with a design so delicious the Zini Deux won the Red Dot Design award, I kind of expected the Deux to be all form and no function. Especially at £139.99 on LoveHoney.

 Boy did I have it wrong!

The Zini Deux comes packaged absolutely stunningly. It has an inky blue outer sleeve with little coffee bean Deux motif on each side and glowy white writing surrounding a black and shimmery white card box held together with a magnet. When you open it, the only tiny amount of plastic is a cover for the Deux so you can see it sitting there all prettily - everything else is encased in thick black card and slotted into the outer box perfectly.

The Zini Deux comes with a little silky and very discreet carry bag, which is pretty well made - something that can often be a let down in luxury toys! It also comes with an instruction booklet and a 1 year warranty, a charger and when you buy with LoveHoney they chuck in a free UK adapter!

 Once you get your little bundle of joy, it needs charging until the light shows green before you can put it to good use and it doesn't work whilst charging but you can use this time to get to know your Zini! The instruction booklet is clear and concise with information on health and safety, storage and cleaning, using the settings and disposal (as if you'd ever want to get rid of it!) it also has a nice little section on "troubleshooting" which is a lovely touch!

The product itself is delicious, really well made, with beautiful curves and a soft, silky platinum silicone coating (don't use silicone lubes, just don't, ok?). The two sections sit beautifully together and are held in the coffee bean shape by magnets. When together you can see the gorgeous deep purple outer section and a little flash of the hot fushia inner section. It looks very pretty! Once you separate the two you can see all those gorgeous curves and imagine just how to use them!

The male part, it a deep curve designed perfectly to stimulate the balls whilst pointing the tip towards the shaft. It really is well designed. The motor sits in the apex of the curve making it very powerful and feel incredible. (The picture below shows the charging slot at the side - it's not there, it's actually at the back)

I do find with the female part of the Zini it's a slower and more "meandering" orgasm rather than the quick and direct orgasm some of my more powerful toys give but that's really not a problem, just something to be aware of!

Now on to the major flaw with the Zini...the 2 parts don't charge together. Zini don't even supply you with 2 chargers! Which is a massive oversight on a couples toy designed for use together! It would be simple enough to rectify - even just having a splitter on the charger or supplying two chargers would work and not be all that expensive. Such a let down on such a promising toy.

On the plus side they only take two hours charge for four hours use!

Overall - a beautiful toy, beautifully packaged perfect for slow and teasing couples play. A great introduction to toys for men and women and for once a really well executed male vibrator!

Alicia d'Amore <3

Love grows by giving

I adore oral sex. I especially adore giving oral sex...

The penis is a wonderful organ - with delicious variation across its length and width, an entire texture to discover. With veins, moles, papules, and lots of sensitive, smooth patches of skin to explore. It tastes delicious too - a musky, manly taste late in the day or a fresh and cool taste straight after showing, the squishy skin of the foreskin rolling across my tongue is a beautiful sensation and the skin is so soft and sensitive. I have become obsessed with probing and learning my partner's penis.

The love affair between my tongue and his penis began with a teenage blowjob in the cinema - our first time sharing this intimate activity and his goofy grin of pleasure will always stay with me. The following years have seen my fellatio skills improve dramatically and my enjoyment has increased accordingly.

I'd spent months building up to it, lying on his stomach gazing at this weird, veiny, hard thing, wondering if I'd ever have the guts to suck it, then gently kissing and stroking it learning how it felt and what made it feel good. Then, I decided I was ready to slide it in my mouth. After opening his jeans and playing with him for a while, I slid down on to the floor and slipped the head of his cock into my mouth...his expression was amazing, that goofy, ecstatic grin, blissfully happy as I got to grips with something so large in my tiny mouth. Using my tongue to explore I quickly got a grasp of how to pleasure.

I still love having his cock in my mouth, and can still elicit that goofy grin. I've learnt a lot since then too - I know what it likes, dislikes, how it's preferences vary depending on my partner's mood, how he expresses those preferences, how to adapt my technique to suit those preferences, how to alter the pressure in my mouth, how to use my tongue alone to make him orgasm, how to find his sensitive spots, which parts are too sensitive for direct pressure and which parts like it rough, how to work my tongue under his foreskin and bunch the foreskin up for greater stimulation, how to make him orgasm 6 times in a row without ejaculating, how to tease and tempt, how to use hot breath and no touch, how to make my mouth soft and squishy, or firm and tight, how to use my teeth in the correct way (by stimulating the shaft and balls and *never* the tip), the list goes on.

I find the more I do it, the more I love it...part of it must be about the intimacy, of him letting me put it in my mouth and me letting him come down my throat. I have complete power with his cock between my lips, I can cause such pleasure, frustration, even pain if I wanted to. Sure, he can grab my hair, force me to suck it deeper or harder, but I can make it all stop in the blink of an eye if I want to.

It's certainly one of my favoured sexual activities and my enthusiasm certainly encourages a delicious response from my partner, he loves to see the passion and enthusiasm in my eyes and my desire to explore and enjoy his penis not only makes him feel confident and attractive but loved and sensual too.

Alicia d'Amore <3

Welcome

Sex is something I value. It is something that I feel is vital to a happy life and a strong relationship. I have spent a long time practising it and now I want to write about it.

Here will be a collection of true tales, reviews, tips and experiences....

I hope you enjoy reading as much as I'm sure I'll enjoy writing.

Alicia d'Amore <3